For the first time, I have experienced a random Trump supporter asking me how she could ameliorate election-based stress in her family. This came within a heartfelt 2-sided discussion, with no accusation, media bashing, Hillary-email server citations, name-calling or disrespect from either side. It was not easy for me not to shout, “but how could you??” But I did have a genuinely quavering voice and tears describing the terrible & direct impact on my family and friends.
This woman said she had never heard why people were so worried about Trump before, and yet, she had several family members who voted for Hillary. Apparently, there was much anger in the house and listening was the casualty. I did not know her before our conversation, only as a familiar face in a favorite coffee shop.
This woman was definitely a economic hardass, and she hadn’t understood that policy positions could be based on what I described were compassion-centric values. She had also not thought before of government as a service organization, not a fiscal/business one per se, and though she wasn’t impressed with my approach, she did nod that it was a valid one. I described that I was not impressed by her candidates’ unverifiable prowess in the business world, or generous intentions in regards to the American people. I also got to share that I was now also upset at having to shield my kids from the words and deeds of our president (where up to this point in American history, I never had to hide a president’s words/behavior from a child, even if policies were completely counter to my own.) She acknowledged he was questionably flush with assets, more likely a ‘deal maker,’ but was hopeful these deals would be fruitful for middle class Americans. I told her I don’t like to gamble.
We talked about the provisions in the exec order that empowers police to operate like immigration officers, and the vague language of whom could be investigated. I had read the order, she hadn’t. My concern was that anyone with brown skin, or who connected with someone with brown skin could be harassed or detained by a insensitive/untrained cop, and legally asked to “show papers.” I see this as a violation of basic rights and an alarming precedent to set in motion, especially if you have concerns about our country not repeating terrible mistakes of history. She nodded and I think may be planning to read the order herself.
So, perhaps, perhaps…. some people experiencing a hint of regret about their vote are willing to move beyond defensiveness and anger too? I told her I felt like people who voted Trump were now attacking or condescending to me for not celebrating with them. I said it was her job now as a ‘winner,’ to be gracious and conciliatory to the ‘losers’ in her family. She hadn’t thought of that before.
I told her that I am a sensitive person, that I felt posts from Trump supporters regularly felt hostile or condescending: almost as if Truman were telling Hiroshima residents, “oh grow up, it will all be fine.” I shared how my feeling about disruption to our government is so stressful, that it may as well be like a bomb went off and I am doing triage. I explained I was risk-averse when it came to large organizations, preferring slow change over chaotic disruption. We both felt nuclear/unbalanced language was risky, but she had faith that his love for his grand-kids would keep him from ever using weapons like that.
She was not risk-averse and felt much more solid in our democratic checks and balances to keep things from spiraling out of control. I told her I was not convinced given the recent behavior by Bannon and the actions of the onslaught of executive orders, that I saw power centralizing in Executive branch already. She could understand why I felt that way, but she really wanted to have jobs come back and said she was fairly certain Trump could deliver that, and that he was a diamond in the rough person-wise. I think I swore that he was something else in the rough, and she actually laughed at that point.
Of course, I had to be willing to let go of my anger fact/alt-fact fighting to have this conversation, and be defenseless. Not easy. She heard me, I heard her. She also told me she voted Trump after an angry encounter with someone who called her a racist in the grocery store (she was clearly offended by that). Before that, she was likely to vote otherwise. I cannot condone her action, because actions based on anger, usually beget more of the same. But here we are regardless. I wonder who else “voted pissed,” and are sick of living there, and maybe are tempted to try a more moderate way?
I will attempt to make “graceful space” for women like this one to move into a kinder place, instead of a highly defensive one. After all, we can all agree Trump doesn’t need us to defend him. I will also accept her help in making things right in regards to civil rights, because we need everyone on board to do so. She likely thinks I’m a snowflake, and that’s cool with me, because my flake is my strength. I think she’s a hardass, but she probably doesn’t care about that either. I hope she reads this. I’m sure we’ll talk again.
A Special Note on Supreme Court Nomination Hearings:
Merrick Garland deserves his day in the Senate prior to this other guy. Backlogs are bad, and fairness and respecting Constitutional protocol is key to protecting the democratic way. They can vote no, but the winners have to get on the right side of doing things.
If not, obstruction is a viable option, though I’d love to see the hearings play out like an SNL skit:
Senator Schumer: “Honorable Garland, did you rule to overturn the …..”
Gorsuch: “Senator, um, Neil ” (cut off)
Schumer: “No, you don’t have to kneel here, Mr. Garland, as I was asking….”