… the emotion of the situation?
In every intense interaction between people, an emotional ‘bubble’ gets created. Usually this bubble is experienced by each person based on their actions and/or power dynamics within the relationship. If person A hits person B, a emo-bubble that includes feelings like anger, hurt, shock, fear, guilt, etc. occurs— each person having a part of it, based on their part.
However, it is generally understood by psychologists that if a ‘perpetrator’ of negative behavior doesn’t feel the natural emotions of their actions, that someone else will instead. That’s because the situation itself has an energy to it that includes all the emotional content. If the “rightful” bearer refuses to bear their part of this emo-bubble, someone else has to. It doesn’t vanish. Usually, the entire bubble gets absorbed by the other person involved.
Take for instance a repeat abuser. The proper emotions to feel if one were to abuse anyone are shame, guilt, and regret (and then, never do it again). Sick/repeat perpetrators don’t feel these feelings, and often the victim of the abuse carries the shame, guilt and regret for this dynamic system instead. It is not that the victim should feel this way, but they often do, precisely because the perpetrator isn’t.
This is well documented in studies of rape victims, victims of narcissists, and abused children. These victims tend to absorb the stray emotions, and often find themselves feeling badly about things that befell them, almost as if they did them personally. This can create an unfortunate situation for the one who needs healing, because stray shame-based emotions can confuse the process.
So, if you find yourself experiencing an inordinate amount of a shame-based emotion, and you are certain you didn’t do something to warrant it, perhaps there is someone in your life who isn’t feeling what may be appropriate regarding their relationship with you. Note: you can’t cop out by not looking inside yourself. You must do your work first to make sure it isn’t your behavior that actually warrants the terrible emotion.
The remedy if find yourself wearing someone else’s shame or guilt? Let go the mantle of feeling their ick by visualizing a cutting of the cord between you, releasing the emo-bubble, or another “letting go” visualization. Love them but distance yourself, and if all goes well and healing is the aim, the other person may experience the natural consequences of their actions — and perhaps even change their behavior. Of course, that person has to want to grow as an emotional person, so you can’t count on it, nor can you inform them of this process for it to work.
Your job, regardless of what happens with them, is to heal. Take care of yourself gently, in every way, with your eyes clearly on the facts lest you forget what actually happened. Your job is to let go of their irresponsibility, while you carry more responsibility for your own healing. No one gets off the hook, the energy just shifts to a healthier, more appropriate form for each.