Like many people, I’ve wanted to make a huge positive impact, but unlike others, I haven’t wanted to be directly acknowledged for doing it, because I’m uncomfortable with ‘too much’ attention.1 So, about 25 years back, I decided one of the highest-leverage things I could do with my energy was to consciously help helpers. I felt this was a worthy goal, a “good” goal that would make the biggest difference, fastest. And I could hide out, unseen, but valued. Makes sense, right?
Doing things right for the ‘right’ reasons, can still lead you down the road to hell, so to speak. So probably better to simply speak up.
My style was to quietly identify (usually via intuitive hit and direct observation of acts) people and organizations that are exceptionally kind or well-positioned to make a positive difference. Then I’d do what I could to support them beyond contracted jobs or usual social interactions. In employment, this included giving free/discounted professional services to rising stars, or coaching and mentoring on great directions forward. In my personal life, it also meant finding ways to silently support the kindest, quietest folks among us. At least as far as I could see them.
My energetic work as I saw it, was to be ‘enthusiastically giving’.2 Sometimes, I did this by holding a space of responsibility so depleted leaders could rest unfettered; sometimes it was by taking on challenging managerial or organizational task without corresponding pay or perks; sometimes it was by trying to super-charge someone’s stated mission to help launch them to the next place; and sometimes it was by modeling a sovereign approach to relationships, including conflict resolution and clean endings.3
When I’ve plugged into clean arrangements with the right people, life just flows for everyone, and everyone is supported in practical, emotional, and spiritual ways, including me. I give, they give, everything is in balance.
And when I’m plugged in this way with folks who recognize everyone is always both helper and helpee, relationships thrive – and they can be fun.
Up until now, I thought it was important to invisibly raise people up (for lack of a better word), because, I believed people like me can’t/won’t see they need help themselves. But, after an unpleasant ouster, I found the results of having unspoken intentions among intuitive people is tricky. They feel the nudge, and they may not like it. Not everyone wants to be raised up (I’m raising my hand here too. I’ve been downright upset when people have tried to “launch” me into the wrong thing).
It’s also not correct to assume that people who care about people as a default will experience shame if they fall short or felt too depleted to give. I used to try to spare “givers” the discomfort of realizing they needed help, so I tried to support them in quiet ways. I realize now, I wanted to spare myself the discomfort of feeling depleted, and I only wanted to help others on my own terms. This is natural, and also form of personal arrogance, because sometimes it’s born from a place of someone “knowing better” than someone else, which is inherently bad for relationships.
No one can give endlessly to people, organizations, or even families and still survive themselves. And holding people at a distance while hiding helpful intentions or needs, is the opposite of giving – that’s withholding.
ugly truth and clean completions
I’m discovering now, the best way forward when both helpers and helpees are depleted, is TRUTH, all the ugly layers of it spoken plainly. I also believe it’s important to clearly see where historical support has come from and acknowledge it. I firmly believe it is never too late to acknowledge quiet supporters. It’s actually healing for everyone to do so.
This completion process of gratitude is also where the surprises of life come in, and invisible means of support reveal a genuine safety net for all.
the arrogance of helping: a personal mia culpa
It takes a huge amount of humility, pain, love, and arrogance to get to a place of seeing some of these dynamics. To think I could define myself as a helper of helpers means I was standing outside of my humanity. To think I could calmly state “this is needed” and be heard, when the culture is attuned to respond only to crying, gasping pleas of “I need this now!” is also contrary to how most folks communicate.4 The remedy is to help, ask for help, and to know the difference.
Caveat for CEO’s: on burden
Anyone can get energetically depleted, and it’s been my experience that helpers who’ve risen to positions of leadership or generative power can often feel like they are carrying a burden1. This can feel lonely and heavy. But, it’s a bit of an arrogant ruse.
If you look closely, you may find that people who make things happen in organizations usually have a “service” mindset. And roles like this are paid less than leadership ones, because they care about something different. Think of nurses, teachers, customer service, and operators of all kinds. Because the capitalist system rewards those with more money who value money most, it’s easy to think that the well paid deserve it for some greater contribution. But really, they were just willing to take a role that says they carry burden, they don’t.
CEO ‘standing apart or above’ stance is tricky. What if you, a top CEO, professional, a business owner, a matriarch, a patriarch feels the burden of an entire group of people depending on YOU? Then aren’t they a “drain?”
No. They are the opposite. Those people are your strength.
This is the speaking up part: if you can truly see who carries you, especially if you thought you were carrying them, you have a chance at happiness and healing. If you can respect contributors, plainly say your truth, and show up when they ask, even for challenging conversations, you’ll do fine. The folks you’ve discounted as dependents may actually surprise you by engaging with you at a higher level, and your relationships will benefit across more spheres than you know.
I’ve been lucky over the years – betting mostly on right horses, so to speak – and several of those folks acknowledged me maybe a decade later for what I did for them. And yet: no one should bank on being recognized later, especially if you need bank now.
I guess you could say that ‘leading from behind’ is, understanding who holds you up and supporting them in the loop of life. I guess you could also say, treating everyone as the dignified sovereigns they are is the way to better relationships.
FOOTNOTES
- “Too much” attention tends to be a very small amount, unless I’m a part of an egalitarian team where no one has more recognition (or expectations put on them) than anyone else.
Influencer culture is something I still don’t understand. People gaining more and more visibility in hopes to influence others to be what, better? kinder? more loving? or just to sell stuff? I don’t judge, but I don’t see the value in this. I love to actually influence for the better, but fame for doing so can be a self-reflexive trap. I see fame/follower count and real influence as two very different things.
↩︎ - Once a friend of mine showed me an Onion article about yoga. A practitioner was slamming his hand on the table yelling “I am the serenest!” This is way to ironic and hysterical, and telling.
↩︎ - Once, to help a helper in a professional arrangement, I took on an “assigned” mentorship and another unassigned mentorship. Unfortunately, what was needed was a direct “call out” on the behaviors, especially those of the owners – who were themselves at odds with managing their business. Having a direct conversation is always better, and sometimes letting someone go is even better still. But it requires conversation, and you have to show up and be willing to listen.
↩︎ - I still refuse to beg though, this is not my style. The right people will see what’s needed. And those are your people. Speak thanks to them plainly, and love having fun with them too. ↩︎
