Stale questions, fresh answers

I’m treating myself to some new questions in my self-styled spa day today, because my old questions haven’t been serving up much joy or love.

I have a seek-and-find experience of life. Literally. So I’m realizing I may need to craft some better quality questions so I can experience some novel positivity. I have nothing to lose anyway, and I love new stuff. Intention, Attraction, Manifestation… all these woo woo terms point at what I’m talking about: the first phase of getting anything done in life: recognition of it. For me, things happening usually starts with a solid wondering about things I recognize.

For example, “what can I eat for dinner?” gets answered by food. “How should I solve this problem?” gets answered by precisely what’s done, even if it’s nothing¹. I’m not saying these are the “best” answers, but what happens are answers. Some of our questions can be answered simply, like “what’s the price of gas today?” But many are deeper wonderings. I believe most of us have long-standing, complicated musings like “what was that person really talking about?” lingering around in our minds. And, who can know?

Speaking from experience, the answers to these kinds of open-ended questions may blindside a person, especially if they aren’t talking to other humans about it. It has me. I’ve wanted to know The Truth so badly, because I want to feel free. And isn’t that what they say, “the truth shall set you free”?

The only answer I feel comfortable sharing at this point, is that all people have very rich and mysterious inner lives. And they are not all shiny and happy. Some of the kindest, most polite folks I know have some of the darkest recesses burbling out all around them that they are trying desperately to tamp down and hide. I know, I was one of them: trying so passionately to be “good,” while my dark side was sliding out all over the place in the form of dagger-like unconscious comments slashing at other’s tender spots.

I wonder so hard it feels like a physical force.

I often think back to things I learned about Jesus, Buddha, Muktananda, and even the lovely Zen Buddhist monk I ‘follow’ now. I think they all meant well when they shared teachings to experience greater awareness. But the visceral reality of the hellscapes I got plunged into by trying out their mindwares was really tough to take. Even coaches like Tony Robbins wind up shouting “I’m not your guru!” to the masses, probably because when he woke up, he realized if anyone follows you they will get to experience what you do. Uh oh!

“So, why would anyone lead anyone else to the realization of the reality of things?” I’d ask myself with a tone of incredulous resentment, “It sucks!” Of course, someone may still be working it out, or may have shared lots of process before they “got there” (a presumably better place). Of course, wherever I think they got to, I can’t really say.

If you take the duality out of good v evil, then all you have left is what is with no judgement.

Reality as an experiential state can feel dark, darker than dark. Like for me, I experienced people like a pit of piranhas gnawing at me to survive. Every technical ping and notification, every word and look was menacing. It made me think sharing a lullaby is much kinder: it could help people feel like they are drifting off into a protected sleep, and who wouldn’t want that? If you want to see beneath the veil however, I can only tell you evil can feel real, and paranoia seems justified when you land in the world of duality. At least for a while. And it unfolded in the name of me trying to be “good.” But if I’m honest with myself I may have been seeking “better than” which is not the same as “good.” Ooops again.

And this is what I wonder about every time I hear a wise teacher: what is the actual experience of an enlightened person in their journey to that state?

I used to believe in good and bad, and thought I could consistently choose good and simply ignore bad. Ta Da! But then I really experienced good and bad – inside me. Good and bad are like conjoined twins, each necessary for the other to survive. Duality can’t be the end of seeking, unless of course, I want to make a living writing Marvel movie scripts.

So now I must ask another set of questions to get at the truth. But which ones? Or maybe I could just do what Buddha did: keep walking, keep practicing, rely on the world to keep you alive. And maybe this was Jesus’s desert experience too, and lots of other notable holy folks: 40 days in the wilderness, then you teach a little… 40 days is a merciful number if you ask me. The wilderness of this kind sucks beyond all sucking, and I’m glad I made it through alive. I don’t say this metaphorically. I don’t want to go “back” to that duality-clarity, but not sure the way forward either. That’s okay I guess. I’m neither asleep, nor in the wilderness fighting duality, and not quite sure where I am, other than sitting at our family dinner table writing this to you.

Thanks for reading. Great questions welcome.

---

---

Outtake Preserved: Stale Questions, Dry Answers

So the article below is waaayyy too long and includes a bunch of stuff I wrote earlier in the day. You can skip it. The part above sums it up fine.

---

I am coming off a week of COVID. Last night I sat on a cajon drum eating dinner 8 feet away from my family. I felt like I was watching a dinner scene in a Scorsese movie: the lighting was low, the wood grain was warm, the napkins were red, the pasta was beautiful. Music played. They were all talking, eating, laughing, and I sat “over here” trying to keep my plate of gnocchi from falling off my lap and my snot away from healthy humans. CO-VIDeo, I thought, I watched them like a movie. They probably watched me look sick. It was such a 21st century moment.

self styled spa day for a middle class philosophartist²

I preface this list with the realization that whatever questions I’ve been asking myself are likely getting stale. My experience of life has been a bit odd lately, but also revealing of long-held questions and beliefs. My experience of life appears to be a byproduct of some long-held questions. And, it has not all been good. Like lose a friend, get burnt out, and get fat-type not good. If you ever really seek to learn who you are, and you find out well, that’s tricky. I’m fessing up to having this profound personal embarrassment. But also a willingness to learn. Mid-life crisis? Yeah, maybe. Can I just blame menopause? I might later.

Anyway, today, I had some “Found Time³” dropped into my lap because I needed to cancel meetings because of COVID snot. So I’ve decided to blog-up some new questions that could potentially create some positive answers and experiences in my life. That’s how things generally work for me: seeking and finding. Seek in my mind, find in real time. Just sometimes I don’t like what I find because I asked for the wrong things. Ooops.

Because I personally love to take out the trash, my idea of a spa day means I get to apply a roto rooter to my mind, and then set some seeds. I love novelty like illuminating ideas, and something has to fill the gap. I’m probably going to desire some great coaching, but I’ll just start here and see what happens.

Someone has to drive my brain, may as well be me…

Questions about time and today:

• What is my definition of “found time”? And where does it come from? How can I make it?
• Can an visualization/decision to forgive in one’s past mean a better relationship in the present? How does this work?
• What’s the most purpose-filled action I can take earliest today? One that, if taken, will have positive ramifications greater than 20 years of practice? Is this even possible? How could one devise an experiment to test this?
• If this morning were my last morning, what questions would I ask myself?
• How does the concept of time relate to expectations?
• How does my experience with time relate to my experience with matter? (Assuming ideas become matter, like a plan for a meal can become an actual meal with the worldly steps of procurement, preparation and presentation).
• If time is relative (feels this way to me), is there a healthiest way to relate to it? If Time were a character in a story, what would it be like? What could Time do the a plot besides move it forward?
• Since space-time can be affected by gravity (matter bends it, almost like matter ‘holds’ gravity), does this mean the force of gravity is of a greater order than time and space?
• What about in quantum mechanics? If gravity does not always have primacy, what’s an example of an experience when it does not?
• Would any of the above questions make for an exceptional science fiction story? How can I learn the science quickly from quality sources?
• What’s the best way to approach writing/editing (for me)? What is mastery in the craft that still feels authentic and spirited?
• What are the best morning habits I can build, that will effortlessly self-perpetuate?
• If one doesn’t fully understand time (I don’t), than what is the best relationship one can have with it?

Questions about beliefs, knowledge, and language:

• Does knowledge derived from internal experience matter? What are steps to successfully translate internal truth to others in a helpful way?
• Knowledge shared (Truth) creates cohesion, so what truths need be told now to foster human cohesion?
• Since experience (emotional, subjective and internal) makes up the bulk of how an individual understands life, what kinds of experiences would I most like to have to feel that I’m living my life well?
• Can I learn just as much — or more– from positive emotional states as difficult ones? If so, how specifically?
• If relating is of a higher order than teaching (to me), than how can I relate with others who are curious about the same things? How/where would I find these people? (caveat: please God no tin foil hat-wearing conspiracy theorists!)
• If words have profound weight internally and biblically, what is it REALLY about when the same words are used across different realms and feel illuminating? Personal Examples:
  • I serve (waitress) vs I serve (spiritually, humanity) vs. I serve (CPanel websites)
  • I don’t subscribe to that (notion) vs. I don’t subscribe to that (newsletter)
  • I don’t follow (in terms of religion, ideas, or loyalties) vs. I don’t follow (on social media)
  • I’m a host (for this event, restaurant) vs. I’m a host (for websites)
• How can language be used more precisely to enact positive change? Is this even a good idea, wielding it thus?
• Are the questions (koans) of enlightenment a gift or a curse, or something else? What if someone doesn’t want that?
• Is it inherently “better” to be awake, or asleep?
• If there is no “better,” just different, than why do we humans consistently vie for “better”?
• Why do I write with so many asides, parentheses and em dashes?
• How can I become lucid in my writing?
• What’s the most innovative and truthful way I can use words & images?

Some “negatively-framed” questions to trick my brain into letting go:

• What is in the way of my achieving mastery?
• What self-sabotaging patterns have I grown beyond?
• What problems (currently undefined), would be awesome to let go of, even without conscious knowledge?
• Since I actively resist categorization, but also love to name things, what’s the best thing someone can do with that paradoxical habit?
• What begets decentralization: in politics, in crypto, in personal psyches, and philosophy? What is the highest vision/version of decentralization?
• What is blocking me from becoming more light-hearted?
• How am I complicit with the things that I say I don’t want? (TY to Tim Ferriss and whomever influenced him for this one)
• I take action and make choices every day. What’s stopping me from making the most positively fruitful ones? What if I were courageous enough to take them all?

Becoming questions:

• Who would I most like to become like these days? In what specific ways? What qualities am I yearning to develop within?
• Courage is up for me right now. What is the difference from being courageous and being reckless?
• How does a risk-averse person grow their natural courage?
• What are the dynamics between courage and confidence?
• If one can command confidence, can they also command courage?
• Does authority come with author-ship? Who needs to recognize “authority” for it to matter?
• What’s most appealing: authority or expertise or artistry?
• Who would I like to be in 5 years?

‘What About’ questions⁴:

• What about the liking of one’s own ego/personality? Healthy impulse? What about in spiritual growth: ego is supposed to get shed, yet my ego appears to be what has kept me alive to date.
• What about the sheer amount of content that’s out there in the world? Is there truly any good reason to make more?
• What if I can’t help but make more (it’s my nature), then what’s the best focus while making?
• If practicing monks spend their days de-conceptualizing their experience of the world, AND meditating on peace, the planet and humanity, what’s that about? Why aim at anything at all? Why not just focus on eliminating the source of problems? Or, why not just make the world better by doing stuff like feeding the hungry?
• What about loneliness? We all are kind of heroes in our own stories, projecting out everything around us based on what we have the capability to see and name. We are kind of ‘on our own’ in this way… the only holders of our own personal storehouses of conceptions and ideas. So we are all “alone,” and yet loneliness is not good for us, or natural for us. Should we embrace it, guard against it, something else? An answer came: help the lonely find sensory comfort by physical proximity (feed the hungry, heal the hurt, etc.). It does not make you less alone, but helps you feel less alone.
• What about all the amazing artists who spend their lives exploring the human condition. I love what they do, it inspires me, but is it really necessary? If making things is really only valuable in the connections it creates (between the unseen and the seen), is there a more direct connection to facilitate instead?
• What about coaching? What kind of coach could help me see more clearly? Is there coaching that does not draw you inadvertently toward another’s belief system?
• What should a person who thinks they are the smartest person in the room and simultaneously the most clueless do with that?
• If one loves and needs people, but finds them overwhelming, how does one sanely and lovingly navigate relationships?
• If one is predisposed to depression and mental illness, does that mean the gems they take back from the underworld should stay hidden? How to bring them to light without also bringing the dark?

---

1. I always love the Zen story about the man who has 23 problems and laments to the master about his predicament. The master says, “you actually only have one problem: that you believe you have 23.” ↩︎
2. This term just sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Philosopher and Artist together like that? Kind of a blowhard term, from the wrong end of the pipe. lol ↩︎
3. Found Time is my favorite. It comes when I have to cancel something I had said I’d do, or when I get cancelled on. This is because I have typically done whatever I’ve promised, planned, or even intimated I would do, even if it kills me. Found time means I have no word-based obligations. And I can just have some fun! New questions are fun for me. Yes, I’m a nerd. ↩︎
4. I think of What About questions as those things that have felt like they’ve been holding me up in some way. Kind of like when making an argument, “whataboutism” is a logical fallacy. So I’m writing them, so they can stop chewing at the back of my mind and maybe even fall away. By the way, it was a letter writer named Lionel Bloch in the 1970’s who first coined the term in print, saying to The Guardian ” … this is the finest piece of ‘whataboutism’ I have read in many years.” Later saying it was a “Soviet import” used by “progressive minds” to defend communism.” ↩︎