Focus: Forgiveness

I’ve been struggling for awhile forgiving a boundary breach by a loved one.

And I’ve been under the delusion that I need a complete forgiveness to move forward. And these days I realize I may never get there. The ‘breach,” as I can call it, was worldly (not bodily), likely absent-minded, and if I were to describe it to most of you, you’d likely say something like “yeah, that was odd,” but not necessarily feel the action was inherently harmful, nor meant to harm.

So what do you do when someone you trust breaches a sacred space? When their behavior causes so much disruption to your sense of self, that the ground you stand on, that maybe your daily routines, your work, and sense of belonging actually fall apart, and you find yourself feeling a need to reinvent yourself, your livelihood, and even some relationships all at once?

I hate to be so cryptic, but also don’t care to air dirty laundry in public. In New England right now, it would freeze on the line.

In the busy months since this ‘breach,’ I’ve tried to go (and missed) a few forgiveness workshops, sought forgiveness books (please email to me any of your favorites, I’m looking for recommendations), and told myself every day that I should be done with this upset and forgiveness stuff already.

Basically, I’ve been suffering for having not forgiven myself and moved “back” into generalized trusting state again.

And there have been daily reminders as I get my feet back under me how something I built with love (namely my self-sustaining marketing business) fell to ruins. This is a form of grief, I guess. My business also carried the emotional delight of my freedom, my independence, and my service – and for better or for worse, I saw this structure as the way in which I could sustainably contribute to my community, and buy myself a break when needed. It meant so much to me. My business sustained me in practical ways too, with income, and helped me feel like a competent woman and mother.

For months, I wanted to blame people, corporations, and even our culture for my problems. But another way to see it is, I was simply at the epicenter of a confluence of factors. A “perfect storm,” a friend called it. And I was personally exhausted too.

Nothing like burnout for a complete lifestyle overhaul.

And this is a stage of life, I guess. Some combination of grief, boundaries, self-knowing, relating, and change. Also, knowing one’s own undercurrents of pain and coping.

Humans are imperfect, they can do dumb things, get overwhelmed, and trust someone who is also overwhelmed. There is no blame to be laid here, yet a sense that we are all in this together, doing the best we can is perhaps the core of forgiveness – a sense, not a story.

And as people, sometimes our actions are full of love and magnanimity, and sometimes they are petty and selfish, roiled with annoyances, or riddled with old unspoken upsets. That’s what maybe some would call “the shadow side” of us. And it is not fun to see it if you fancy yourself a “good” person, but it’s important not to keep shoving it underwater like it doesn’t exist either.

So, as a person leaning into forgiveness, I realize what I really must do is FOCUS on it. Daily. And, that in the case of nearly all issues, one must first practice the ideal for oneself first, before I can apply it elsewhere.

I hope you too, can give yourself a break today, even if you are feeling your less-than-magnanimous self. That’s the first focus of forgiveness: acceptance with kindness.

Then maybe, just maybe, you also can find a fine way forward.