Duality: a coin parse

Inner Struggle, and a Flip Side of Self-identity

About a year ago I went through a tough time. While reaching out, one of my more perceptive friends said “you seem like you are struggling with something.” I found this an apt way of stating what I was going through: struggle. I thought of a Star Trek episode where two men named Lazarus had to duke it out for eternity to save their two universes.

See, besides grieving about the end of a friendship and a challenging financial loss, I was torn between two opposing ideas trying to overtake my mind and heart. I felt like Good & Bad were vying to own my soul. So were Hidden & Visible. And they were equally powerful and creating mental anguish and making it hard to carry on.

If you see one side of a coin, the other’s visible from the underside.

Like many ‘good’ folks, I believe I was holding to the notion that I’d consistently been doing the right thing, and that somehow this was clear to everyone else too¹. Something felt amiss, I got deeply depressed, only to come out with more clarity on the nature of duality.

Every other person is not living in the same space along with you. They may be living on the flip side of life, looking up at that coin you toss– and the face that appears is the exact opposite what it is for you.

Since this time, I’ve begun to realize that leaning into ‘good’ as an identity means I must accept ‘bad’ as well. They are a pair of concepts dependent on one another to have any meaning. And as a pair of concepts, wholeness mandates they both exist. So if I wish to fancy myself transparent and humble, I must also expect to at some point to know myself in the opposite: shrouded egoism.

Another way

I’ve been happier since I’ve begun to know myself as ‘one who flips coins.’ Life got so much richer when I realized that Good v Bad is only a tiny wave of label vibes in a vast ocean of life. And my sense of self is less tied to extremes. This is easier and feels more balanced.

Duality’s not all bad: the good side tool

Duality is a tool of judgement and useful for making decisions about actions and attitudes. Notions like life v. death, self v others, inside v outside, transparent v hidden, and the classic given us by Judaeo Christian’s Eve: good v evil – all help us choose what to do. And that’s where duality’s value lies. Like a tool, duality pushes a broad spectrum of ideas into piles of black and white to help us make better decisions faster. Choices from our perspective get clearer, but from others’ line of sight, who knows?

That’s a coin toss for you.

FOOTNOTES

1. Like most folks, I certainly tried to do right by others, and chose to do what thought was good, generous and ethical at nearly every turn. I sought to be transparent, clear, and helpful. And this failed spectacularly at creating happiness. ↩︎