At my first New York gallery show, an Ukranian artist named Bokov drew caricatures1 of those present. Mine was a young girl with a big head, tiny neck, and disconnected body. I didn’t like it at all, I already felt like a big-headed bumpkin in the big city, so I was uncomfortable seeing that reflected back.
I thanked him and carried on. He was a lovely man.
Four years later and Bokov came to my solo show, and drew me as Miss America, smiling, carrying roses, and wearing a sash. I didn’t like that caricature either. I wasn’t in New York to be Miss America, I thought, although I’d carefully chosen clothes that flattered me and smiled at all the guests who arrived.
But what did he see? My working waitress days still colored everything I did: welcome, smile, welcome, here’s some wine…
So while I played smiling hostess, I actually wanted to be understood as a “serious” artist ready to launch to the next place. My ego got insulted because my ego got called out. I had one, and it was apparently a stuffed-down, presentation-oriented b*tch, who could run like hell when shown itself.
Bokov saw correctly: he captured some basic nature that seeped out all over the place – I was 26 and wanted to be beautiful, and also to “win,” whatever that meant. I could barely look at his art, because he saw me too clearly.
He saw true, and that’s what artists do.
All I can think now is that who we think we are, and what the world reflects back to us can be uncomfortable, especially when we think we’ve successfully buried the lead: who we are as human animals. In my case, I had a frail and faulty ego, with a presentational coating that existed precisely to mask my inner life and keep me feeling in control.
There’s no real end to this story, except to note that a healthy person would simply chuckle at the drawing, and carry on, unconcerned with good-natured reflections from others. It’s like being roasted: the biggest egos need to learn how to take it, and still love themselves and move on.
Better to simply get back to art. This drawing is from yesterday. I haven’t had a nature walk in many days, so took a photo of these lines on a driveway to begin. It explores the difference between veils and sides.
Veils carry style and mystery and allure. Sides are often viewed only one at a time. Both indicate wholes and include information of two types: that which is desired to be seen (like eyes above a veil, or a “light side”) and that which is under or the opposite (like what’s behind the veil, or a “dark side”).
Abstract Art in shades of Teal and dark fucshia
- I’ll try to dig these drawings up for inclusion here soon. Right now they are in a container in my sleeping teenager’s bedroom and I don’t dare wake them early. ↩︎