This is how I used to envision a life well lived: that every day, a person could leave behind them ripples of enlightenment, that would wash into realization at some later point for the benefit of everyone, resulting in a permanent state of enlightened peace for all.
This is no longer my desire, but I don’t have a new suitable ‘way’ either. But I’m working on it. I have to say, it felt kind of arrogant to think I could usher in enlightenment with my life, regardless of my own foibles and blind spots (of which there are plenty). With that said, the most important vow I ever took was one I made as a teenager, privately, to become a Bodhisattva. I really freaked out when I read about this – who would ever make such a heavy, eternal decision?? I sweated and followed that ‘thought experiment’ through a handful of imagined lifetimes and just dove in. Isn’t that what teenagers do?!) And only just now, at 54 years old, I am realizing the fruits of that decision. But more on that later.
Rebirths & Breakdowns
Ever since I had a mental breakdown in my 20s, I came to realize how everything cycles and comes around again. I remember lying in a hospital all night, staring at the parking lot lights filtering through the blinds to make stripes on the ceiling, certain that the annihilation of all spiritual life was imminent. I could not sleep. I was paralyzed in knowing horror. I was beyond depressed.
At that time I was diagnosed as having a psychotic break, and my experience was akin to severe, clanging anxiety that I no longer could even hope to flee. I was swimming in a world of deep paranoia with an experience of complete guilt and hopelessness. All was very, very dark.
But then one morning, the sun came up, just like it always did, and I came to know the cycles of nature were far beyond my understanding, and far out of reach of my power to control. Instead of being afraid, I was relieved.
The sun would come up regardless of me. I was neither to credit or to blame for the eternal magic that is nature and life. And life’s mystery — as a mystery — was a huge relief, even though it included death. I could handle this, and it felt safe.
On Cycles & Spirals: Wheels of Dharma?
Cycles are real on molecular levels and historical levels too. Seasons come and go. Cycles are also true in our individual lives: we are organic matter that dies, decays, and becomes life again. On a spiritual level, our sense of self can die and be reborn too, even between our physical birth and death.
Nighttime can lead to sleep and dreams, which always leads to the morning, and a sun that rises again, regardless of our beliefs or actions. Likewise, cultures expand to include others, then sometimes shut their doors in fear. War and peace times come and go. Democracy, autocracy, oppression and rebellion, cycling for generations, with slightly new iterations. Life, death, life.
Eternity: Full Stop
I’ve also come to believe that there is no single path forward that can change the world forever. No ‘ultimate’ enlightenment that will mean the end of all pain and strife and death forever.
When I was coming out of my psychotic stupor, relieved to understand my minuscule place on this planet, my doctor asked me what I wanted to get out of my life. I told him “a vacation.” He laughed and said, “don’t we all?” to which I replied, “yeah, but I want mine to be permanent.”
There is no end point when we all get to rest, either, so take rest when it comes.
Back then, I (falsely) carried such a huge sense of responsibility for everyone, that of course I wanted a vacation. Caring about everyone’s spiritual well-being, and me continuing to make mistakes daily, was a recipe for an unbearable life. Nowadays, as a parent fully immersed in the ways of nature, I often yearn for a break, when I can just stop worrying for a few days to rejuvenate myself with happiness and rest. A few hours here or there can help me drop the fears around tasks or even my kids, because I don’t look for permanent solutions anymore. Just a good morning.
Awareness is practice & consciousness expands
Though it’s 1000% valuable (and my personal preference) to live a life that alleviates suffering for others, our lives can be understood as little specks of god experiencing god.* This includes our missteps and fixes, and especially our unique viewpoint on everything, silly little personality and all.
As creative beings, our acts are fueled by our beliefs. And the effects of our actions and our words perhaps expand outward in all directions, at an ever-accelerating rate. We touch upon others (who touch upon others) for better or for worse, as we all become a more complex and complete version of everything, looking around at, well, everything. Practice is what we do each day we are alive: living today. Better.
My experience is that collective consciousness is a wild — literally wild — organic system of expansion from a gazillion points of self-referential creators.
In other words, the nature of consciousness cannot be reigned in, controlled, or even understood by any of us. But with practice, it can be navigated in a way that helps us sleep at night.
So, who are you in your world?
Sometimes, I wonder if we all experience ourselves as egotistical messiahs of our own little worlds. We create how we experience it, and, when we are at our best, hopefully we help to benefit others around us too. When we are not sure of our authentic way, we can follow famous others: leaders and teachers like Abraham and Jesus and Buddha, etc., who help us make good civil choices and to function here, while also sharing better thoughts and ideas out there.
When we follow a wise teacher’s ways well, we do good works. When we follow poorly (or follow a bad leader), we try to force others to adopt dogma and get angry or punitive when they don’t.
Maybe some of us would like it if belief coercion were an effective method in taking control of this wildness called consciousness? Maybe religious compulsion makes us feel like we have control, which we don’t. I’m not sure why we do this, forcing our beliefs on others.
Beliefs, Buying in & The Buddha
I especially appreciate the Buddha’s life questions, and his piercing, brilliant thinking that created a path that is closest to my personal understanding of how things work. Buddha’s path was singular in its ability to help millions of people become more compassionate, non-violent, non-coercive, and fair-minded. And also, this path enjoins everyone to feel the responsibility to do good whoever they are. Oh yeah, and to be aware of the natural world and to call on it as the ultimate authority.***
What did Buddha ask, over and over?
My best understanding is Buddha kept at the question “how can we all be happy together?” Behind this, I wonder if he also had the desire for this happiness to be for “forever,” but that has not been directly said in my readings (which are not exhaustive by a long shot).
Annnnd…
I’m not sure I can say the same for Christianity: that is, creating millions of awake, responsible folks. I feel like so much has been altered from Jesus’ original teachings which I understand as: take care of sick and poor people, treat the disadvantaged equally, give Caesar his own stuff – ’cause it doesn’t matter, and share your fish and make a miracle. Oh yeah, and no one should suffer from the internal punishments of sin, because I did that already for you, for all eternity. IE, you can’t go wrong! Reckoning is a thing of the past! Whatever you do, you’re good!
I feel like, if all Christians really believed this, they would all be deeply compassionate and loving and just carry about their kindest business in a tolerant way. I do not think they would worry about others making pledges, gay folks getting married, women’s reproductive health care, punishment, the borders, or even want to know whose name was invoked during moments of rebirth. They would just know they were okay, and so would relax and model lovely behavior helping others feel okay, until people asked them what made them so awesome. (I do know Christians like this: a huge nod to you Aunt BahBah ❤️).
Even Evangelicals are subject to natural order
But, I wonder if many Christians are still deeply afraid they are “bad” inside, and they feel as if they convert a bunch of folks that then they’ll be okay? Didn’t Jesus say, you need do nothing but accept his way? So, why force it on anyone? Evangelicalism should be, I think, like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch – “I’m so in love! I want everyone to know!” That’s actually kind of compelling and refreshing. But inquisitions and coercive policies instead become prevalent. They certainly can help powerful folks get more power, but I’m not sure how much they’ve brought folks closer to goodness or personal responsibility.
Forever vs. Cycles: and the desire for deep rest
I have come to think cycles and nature may also scare some evangelicals. Nature can feel uncontrollable, vast and ever-changing. And, the Old Testament approach likens natural disasters to punishment for sin. (Which should be a non-starter for Christians, given that Jesus died for all of that already).
Also, some Christian thought, with an focus on Heaven vs. Hell, have propagated a belief that life goes in one direction, then stops for eternity. If you are good, the end point will be pleasant, if you are bad, well, firestorm in hell for you forever.
When I was younger, and staying in that hospital, I wanted my ‘final’ rest to be a positive one, and was pretty sure, with all my lifetime of mistakes, that it would not be the case. My fear was based on this belief in “the end,” combined with “a reckoning.” When I was willing to look at these beliefs, and see the sun come up everyday regardless of my silly little life, I realized that eternity was kind of a crazy concept. Even if you just look at our universe, physics, and the biology of life, its kind of hard to dig up ‘eternity’ anywhere, except by projecting out natural ideas into an imagined future.
Wrap-ture to a Ramble
My husband coined this term this morning when we were talking about some folks’ attraction to the concept of “The Rapture” (AKA Eternal Vacation). I used to want to get seized up for ‘The Rapture,’ until I didn’t. Now, I’m just trying to enjoy living, noting my mistakes and carrying on better afterwards, with appropriate internal and external apologies, while clearly perceiving nature. It’s kind of beautiful, you know.
I’m also trying to help myself and others be less fearful of our wild nature changes, and more appreciative of the cycles and growth that define it… even when they change.**
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* Kabbalah speaks of this, learn more.
** This will hopefully, in turn, help some patriarchal types likely be less scared of women, who have always been a day-to-day stand in for ‘nature’
*** When Buddha faced temptations from the God of the Heavens, he pointed to the Earth to vouch for his merit. And it worked.
