You are getting married in a couple of weeks, and this is such big milestone, but not for only the reasons we think. You are going through an ages-old rite of passage, and I wanted to share with you what I’ve learned/sensed, in the hopes it is helpful to you. You are a strong woman, with a mom who was deeply kind and earthy wise. I say this not because I had lots of conversations with her, but because I felt her presence when I did. And it was good. I would never presume to know what she would say to you at this time in your life, but I feel this gentle nod that she’d trust me enough to share what’s below, and that I should.
First, you’ve chosen well. Your fiancé is a real person will provide you with a strong base from which your gifts and goals can spring. I say this not because of his job, but because he can literally catch food. Real people do real things. Being able to act in concert with nature it is a top-tier quality/skill. It’s not common, and it’s important. Plus, he’s doesn’t try to impress anyone, and he’s good to dogs, and this means everything. ?
You too, are real. You are also classically situated as a beautiful young bride who does all the right things with a good, loving family and loads of smarts and ever-growing opportunities, etc. But more importantly, you are on a soul journey, and you come from soulful stock.
You’ve had huge loss and carried on, and you’ve given goodness, and you grow. And you have this powerful moment ahead. I think weddings and reception celebrations are supposed to be a rite of passage, but I also know, they don’t always feel that way, because they are only as deep as the intentions set, feelings felt, and presence. How many people don’t remember their own weddings? So much happens so fast. Maybe this is why American “bridezillas” are a thing: it’s the women who mistook an outer trappings for what’s really an inside job. And I think all brides really, really want to feel this rite of passage, even more than they want instaworthy wedding photos, or perfect food and moments, etc.
I know you know, that events are full of odd surprises, expectations, and personalities – and the best event planners know you can only plan for perhaps 90% of it. The other 10% are the worst and best – those unexpected moments that show the way of spirit. Our favorite wedding memory was the guest who helped herself to a slice of (ahem, three-tiered, fondant wedding) cake prior to dinner. It was on a presentation table not far from the help-yourself antipasto. “Well, it was cake!” she says when we kid her about it, and we still laugh to this day. More importantly, we laughed that day too. “Can’t wait for the cake vibe” was perfect. ?
When it comes to rites of passage, you can also design one that’s private, and maybe even complete, before the ceremony happens… so you and C can celebrate (IE relax and go along for the fun ride) too. So below is what I did, that may or may not suit you, but I hope gives you ideas encouragement so you can make your soul/emotional experience the way you want it.
For context, I planned my own wedding and reception. And, I completely cleared my schedule for the day before the wedding. I told everyone I was busy (true!), and declined all brunches, meet ups, etc. I also said no to all airport pick-ups, requests for my attention, and wedding tasks. Since I’m a planner, I had all “wedding stuff’ done 2 days ahead so I could intentionally create this gap in time. I also hired an event-savvy friend above to do the last-minute things that had to happen that day.
So, I completely freed my last day to be 100% ‘single’ because I knew I needed time alone. I really wanted to mindfully say goodbye to my roles of daughter, planner, worker — even girlfriend to Ron — to visualize what I wanted marriage to be, and who I wanted to be in relationship moving forward. I wanted to give myself space to ‘feel’ my way through everything, and I did, and it was wonderful. We all kind of know what weddings (and subsequent marriages) are ‘supposed to’ be, what the magazines say, what our parents did…. But what do you really want? Who do you want to be as a wife and partner? Who do you want to become? What kind of things would you like to achieve together, and as individuals? What’s a sign you’ve arrived? What’s the absolute most special kick-off vibes to a long, loving marriage you could experience? That’s what I wish for you both.
I initially felt selfish “taking” that day, but I’m so glad I did it, and I still thank my younger self for it. Yet, connecting with your soul as you transform truly only takes a moment: and a meditation, or walk with Ruby may be more than enough. I however, am a maximalist, and don’t relax without TONS of time to ease into mindfulness, so here’s what I wound up doing that (gloriously long) day:
I walked my dog at a favorite place, and paused with the sun on my face as long as I could stand it. I ate my favorite breakfast from a local cafe. I got an unexpected ‘flash’ of three words, and took a few minutes to sew them into my wedding shawl. I watched a favorite movie that symbolized timeless endurance to me (my movie choice borders on the ridiculous, so I won’t reveal it here, but I’ll tell you in person if you ask). I also wrote some new dreams & goals in my journal, took a fancy bath, and danced crazy while singing REALLY loudly to Stevie Nicks. I also went over to my mom’s after an impromptu text invite: my brother had dug up some old Super 8 movies. We all watched them for an hour, telling stories of childhood and laughing. None of this was planned, it all just ’emerged.’
Just so you know it wasn’t all about me (though as the bride, it actually is all about you), Ron and I also spent time together on the phone that day. I still had my own apartment and was not seeing him that day, so this may not fit for you. The conversation was lovely and not about details or wedding stuff…and it was not particularly serious, but it was ‘us.’ ? I can’t remember what else I did that day, but I remember what I didn’t do, which was worry about the reception, or fret about a single friggin’ detail, or meet anyone else’s needs. I let all that go and I focused on me, who I was becoming. Who we were becoming. I hope you do too.
No matter how your plans go, or how your surprises fall in (or out!), I’ll be sending you good, mindful vibes the whole time. Happy wedding time to you.
– Elizabeth (a product of all the women and wives in my line)