A generation ago, I had a dream, and I told my mentor about it.
Black dogs are barking at me. It is depression. It looks like this (I showed him a painting with an congealed paint outline of the dog). Brackhage said: I know those dogs. He said, make movies. He went back to Boulder.

I still have the painting. It rests in the toy closet of my youngest child. It is dented and the paint dusty, but I keep it, because you always keep the black dog barking close. You cannot get rid of the black dog. It is bad luck.

In my family, I now have two black dogs, for real. My old girl, Stella is an athlete, an adventurer, a lab. She is good, and loud and loves to run. Now she also has arthritis and cries at night. The nights we forget her pain pills. Stella’s first dog sister was Edna. Edna was my beloved. She was brown and fuzzy and always ready for a party. Whoever came by, she barked, “You are here! It is great! We will party! Welcome!”

She smiled at me more than once. We knew each other.

Edna and I took hug breaks all day long. She loved her home, and didn’t really love to run. When faced with a choice of couch or adventure, she’d choose the couch. Her sister Stella made her run, and they both had fun. Two dogs, two sides of me. Fun at home. Fun on the road. Love. Love. Love. Big Furry Family.

Now Edna is gone and I have Teddy. I chose him online. He is a rescue. I picked him because someone I didn’t know said he was cute. My family wanted another dog. I regret this. Teddy protects me, he keeps people away from me. He plays rough with my old girl and scares people. He bites. He also has stripes like peanut butter, glances longingly at me with his deep, wise brown eyes and is sweet and loving with my kids. He loves a run. He can chase a squirrel. He has big ears that stick up. He is vigilant. He is a good shepherd. He has no flock.

Teddy is my boy now. He is a black dog barking. I will keep him forever, even though I am sad I cannot be in the world with him. I miss Edna. But Edna is gone. Stella is old and barking. Teddy is young and barking and biting. I must accommodate. Life changes.

We will all take medicine. Teddy cannot change the whole family, but he will. I cannot control my anger and bite, but I try.

When black dogs bark, we all know what that means. You cannot get rid of the black dog.