Reconciling Paradox – an Artist’s Way

Art CV at bottom of this page. Cyber Art citations back to 1997-2003.

Here’s another installment of my younger self aiming to figure stuff out, and simply not getting it done. In fact, I’m pretty sure part of what’s stressing me out last few months is: you just can’t reconcile paradox. Just like, you can’t be in two places at one time. And kind of like, just be yourself here and now, not your dream self (unless you are actually asleep and dreaming, then go for it!).

I’m also learning not to be too hard on yourself or you’ll be perceived as an idiot, or a TMI Queen, or something else far short of your goals. And if you are an obsessive writer, then write. Just do it in your own space. So, here I am, writing. Again. My husband is making bread as I edit this. Lucky, lucky me.

Art School

When I was in college aiming at my Bachelors in Fine Arts*, I had many incredible teachers. Richard Fraenkel was one of them, so was Richard Colabro, Gary Richman, and Marjorie Keller – especially so. There were many others, including other students. The “Art & Images” adjunct professor was amazing, and now I can’t remember his name.

One of the most important things I learned from Richard Fraenkel was to stretch and prime your own canvases. This is what the old masters did. They didn’t go to Michael’s and pick one up to ‘get in the mood,’ they did the steps it took to make something beautiful by laying a strong foundation. The inspiration to paint came from within the process of doing the hard part first, or so it seems now in retrospect. But, I was always a fan of shortcuts.

I remember one of my painting projects, completed down at the old Dairy Barn at URI. I believe I received a grant for it. I received a few grants during my time there to offset materials (like $200 or so). This particular set of paintings was 4 or 6 works to cover the theme “reconciling paradox,” or that’s what I quickly wrote down as a theme so I could get more money for more paint. I honestly didn’t spend much time thinking about it, I just wanted more paint and I could BS like nobody’s business. Big theme handled? Sure! Just give me paint! I see now how arrogant I must have been, but fortunately at the time, I was tuned out to others’ perceptions of me.

Carrying On

And, you should have seen how I carried my hoarded cache of paint – in a hard periwinkle blue Samsonite suitcase that smelled kind of funny, and it was always in my car, along with a pack of cigarettes, tons of trash on the floor, cassette tapes of Ram Dass, Steve Miller, Stevie Nicks and many other bands.

And… I was such a space hog down there at the Dairy Barn Art Studio. Who did I think I was? Still not sure about that, but I apparently loved taking up space – and I had really big canvases.

This was because after I saw this 27 year old post-grad student painting Aboriginal Dream time-like art at the big wall at the end of the room, I wanted him to be my boyfriend, and set about to win his affection. I did, and then basically took over his space. Funny enough, he didn’t seem to mind. We were both were content with working down there and he made space for me. In turn, I had an instant, huge crush on him and brought him soup and sandwiches from Patos until he liked me back. We did eventually get together, and it was a tumultuous 2 years with him, but that’s another story. It didn’t end well. I moved to New York after I graduated to kind of to escape him. (That’s what he said).

Build it Better

My boyfriend worked for a stair-maker and offered to build my canvases because he had access to big saws and good wood, etc. So, I paid him some of that grant money and he made them for me, delivered too. He drove a big old Chevy Impala, and maybe he had them sticking out of the back of the trunk? Or he borrowed a truck, I’m not really sure. I literally had no plan for subject matter for these grant paintings, but I just painted because I enjoyed the process. Eventually something would come forth, I figured, it always does. I think it may have been the first painting, where I tried to paint an image of my boyfriend and me together – our love affair. It kind of sucked. I was just not satisfied with how it was coming out at all. He was a cheater. I was pissed.

So, after I got so upset trying to paint something about reconciling paradox and getting nowhere, I shredded the canvas up with an exacto blade. “There,” I thought, “enough of this canvas!” Then I ran outside to forage for materials to work it into something better. I found caution tape, brambles, and some other detritus and dragged it inside. The dairy barn was down the hill from the main part of the URI campus. A converted space for art that had its own parking, and tons other junk left by various departments like core samples and old shingles.

Weave & Recycle

I may have also grabbed some unused 16mm film too, but not sure on that. I studied filmmaking up the hill in the Fine Arts Building. I often left stuff laying around in my area, in piles on the floor, sometimes in rolling cabinets. I really did not care about all my garbage all over the place – I was so selfish, I see in retrospect, but glad I didn’t know that at the time. I remember weaving those materials into the frame and, when satisfied with the “stuff” woven in, painted over all the woven part which surrounded the subject with white. I always learned from my art work. And, now, I still learn from my writing.

Below is that painting but not exactly. I can’t remember if the one on the right was same one or just another attempt to do the one on the left better again. Or maybe vice versa. I’m actually surprised I would have these slides at all. Maybe I just kept trying to make something half-decent. These aren’t but the torn up one is better for sure. More contrast and texture.

Work

Art CV

See my old gallery CV Below. Newer NFT works here.

First Cyber Art Citation from Tokyo, Japan. 1997 -2003.