on Vulnerablity, Shame, and Energy Exchange
Dear Young Adult,
Last night you said that you felt I shamed you when I pointed out bad posture, or mimicked behaviors of you kids. I feel terrible about this. You are right, drawing attention to someone can make them feel badly, and is rarely helpful. I see this more clearly now and will do my best to stop. Shame is like a useless bucket of guck, and I don’t want you spending any time in it. You are amazing.
I’ve been trying for so long to share the best things I know about how to live happily in this world, because I felt it was my job as your mom. It kind of is my job, but I see my methods have not been good and feel yucky to you. I appreciate your communicating this truth to me.
Still, I’m still missing you, and don’t know how to talk with you without fear of tension or getting loud/mean talk flung at me. Like you, I am sometimes wildly sensitive and guarded. But I have an exuberant facade with a heart that bruises easily, even just by fleeting odd glance from a stranger. I don’t always know how to relate to others, and my failed past attempts at deep & meaningful conversation sometimes leave me feeling like hiding.
This may also be true for you.
Yet, I want to share what I know, tell my stories from childhood, and hear about your day and your friends and thoughts on things. And your thoughts on how things really work. My neuro-divergent info-dump style is not exactly graceful, but it is well meaning. Annnnnd, you are 13, so much of this may feel irrelevant or unwelcome. So, my counselor suggested I write, which is what I’ll do here. I hope someday these nuggets help you navigate a complicated, confusing world with agency and strength and vulnerability where it matters. You matter to me.
On Vulnerability
Probably the only church sermon I remember is one that still influences with me to this day. It was about Jesus’s state of defenselessness. The preacher demonstrated this stance, arms open, and spoke of the power of this position. It was both a physical and spiritual revelation to me.
See, most of our states of mind and emotion are directly related to our physical body, and how we use it. You can feel confidence, creativity, power, safety, calmness and even lucky simply by adopting the posture of these feelings. Want to feel like a warrior? Do Warrior II, with your eyes gazing across and over the front of your hand, legs bent a certain way, breathing down into the earth. Yes, we FEEL it, when we do it. And we can choose to ‘do it’ anytime.
The reason this defensive-less posture of Jesus struck me is because, counter-intuitively, it actually feels profoundly powerful, not meek, or weak or in danger. I think this is because being vulnerable is something we choose, and if we choose it, we are rewarded with safety. Only those who will risk being open with their hearts will be rewarded with deep connection and love. True defenselessness is extremely safe, while defensiveness is a trap that makes us weaker, more fearful, and shuts us off from love.
On Energy Exchanges: Dog eat Dog
I grew up thinking everyone was inherently kind and pure, and that even the most evil-acting among us were actually fundamentally good. I’m still not sure this isn’t true, but as I got older, this belief bewildered me and people’s destructive or cruel actions and sent me into depression spirals, or worse, dangerous situations. I needed another way to understand things.
Then my fisherman teacher, Kenney, clued me in on his perspective of the world. He said every human interaction is just like in the natural world, meaning, energy is exchanged. In the natural world, there are predators and prey, the larger eating the smaller to survive. The food chain established by who consumes who, with no intentions or bad feelings. If a lion eats an elk, is it bad? No, it’s just how things work.
Kenney said humans and human groups do this too, but with energy, not actual physical consumption. He also said sometimes there are ill intentions. When an interaction with another makes you feel good – perhaps you received energy from that person. When an interaction makes you feel bad – perhaps your energy was stolen.
I think he’s right, but I also know that energy exchange is not always a zero-sum game. I have experienced lots of interactions where both parties grew in positive energy. Open, vulnerable conversations fill both people. So does deep listening, working together for a common good feels good to all, so does building something together. So does playing and having fun! There’s no dog eating anything but hotdogs ? in these situations, just a pack doing what dogs do (be awesome, of course).
However, I do think it’s useful to have eyes to see how some people amass energy and use it for selfish purposes. We see this in some charismatic leaders, flatterers, con men, manipulators and narcissists. They are all predatory. What I hope for you and Odin, is that you are neither predator nor prey, instead choosing your friends and circumstances to form a ‘happy pack’ for which you love, protect, and do good things together. But I also hope you keep your eyes wide open, and notice when you feel drained, exploited or manipulated. Then get out.
Dopamine delivering duds
This is my newest practical understanding, but it really matters. This is the “I like” chemical and it fires off to almost make us feel good, but more often to make us feel like we will feel better later if we do this thing again and again.
Like you are playing a video game, or scrolling through reels… it kind of feels good, but it never satisfies long term. That’s dopamine! It’s not a bad chemical, but it is an addictive chemical. It is also an easily-manipulated chemical, triggered by nearly every product that wants to win your attention to get your money, energy, attention or time. Even an idiot can push your dopamine buttons, to do something horrible, like buy drugs. That’s alarming, I think.
So, what’s the way to avoid being a pawn of a dopamine brokers of uncouth firms? I think it’s getting daily, extensive breaks from it, where you listen to the “still small voice within” or do something you love, that is simple and calm (like walk in nature, read a book, make some art, hear music, pat a dog, cook… ). These activities give you pause from the dopamine onslaught from social media, notifications, TV and texts, and give your happiness receptors a chance to recover, so you’ll get pleasure from the simple things again. And then, that will feed you the good stuff.
Physiology First (sayin’ it again)
This is straight from Tony Robbins and is truly the cornerstone for controlling your emotions, your success, your life. If you can engage your body in the feelings you want (by pretending), you can have them for real. Likewise, you can move your body into the stances of high energy leader, a successful person, a sage, or a winner and become these things. It’s truly that simple. Your natural body – not your mind- holds the keys to everything from goal achievement, to happy feelings, to your destiny. Your mind is handy if you employ it to work well with your body. But body first. Your brain will tell you otherwise, just to keep you imagining you are smart just sitting there. But feeling smart in your chair never changed the world. So I hope you keep acting, keep moving, and keep trying new moves too.
As a little side note, at Buddha’s final moment of enlightenment, after facing off with demon kings and temptresses, the force that spoke up for him and clinched his enlightened fate was the Earth. Literally, the ground he sat on. Again, body, nature, earth. The stuff you use all your senses to interact with (and your senses themselves) are IT!
On Brevity
lol
Until next time. I’ll categorize these by “For My Kids” so you can find posts like this down the road. They are equally for you Tasslen, and you Odin, although at any given time, one may be more directed to one of you or the other based on what’s on my mind. Please know how much I love you always and be good to each other and be courageous to be good in the world too. ❤️
